Sunny View and Summer House Residents Make Connections Through Memory Bridge

Gennie Waters has a special moment with her friend Maxine.

Sunny View resident Gennie Waters remembers her longtime friend Maxine as a talkative, vibrant, funny person. But in the past several years, dementia has compromised Maxine’s ability to express those qualities, as she would have in the past. However, Gennie is still able to connect with her friend, a resident of Summer House, Sunny View’s memory care neighborhood, but in a different way using techniques she learned from Memory Bridge, an empathetic form of communication.

 “I am a Bridge!” Gennie exclaims, who learned how to “be with” Maxine and how vital being together is to her and Maxine’s lives, regardless of cognitive capacities.

“We may not communicate in the same way but our time together is just as special to me as always,” Gennie said. “Some days when I visit, Maxine does not recognize me and that’s OK. Other days I can see her light up as soon as she sees me. That’s the special part. At first, I thought I was helping her but then I realized she was helping me learn patience. This has changed my life.”

 Memory Bridge training at Sunny View is funded by resident Jean Eckert through Sunny View Foundation and spearheaded by Sunny View Chaplain Pastor Carol Been. About 15 staff members, residents, family members and volunteers participated in the initial training that teaches non-verbal ways of empathic communication, or ways of “being with” people with cognitive impairment. The techniques are meant to combat emotional isolation that often affects those with Alzheimer’s and other dementias.

 According to the training course, one of the biggest mistakes people can make is to stop communicating with those diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or dementia because of the erroneous belief that they are “gone.” This counter productive approach to communicating with people with Alzheimer’s and dementia not only negatively impacts the individual living with memory loss by making them feel lonely and depressed, but it also deprives those who have stopped communicating from learning valuable lessons from these individuals, like the importance of presence and patience.

 Chia-Liang Li visits his Memory Bridge “buddy” at Summer House at least once a week. “We are both Chinese and both Christian so we have that in common,” Chia-Liang said. “I just don’t want her to be lonely. I do the best I can to let her know I care about her and her son appreciates that.”

“A one-on-one approach is the focus,” said Sunny View Volunteer Coordinator Julia Earley, who participated in the training and visits her buddy Marie, regularly. “We learn to be in the moment and let our buddies guide us during our visit. Sometimes a simple touch is all that’s necessary to get a positive response.”
With additional funding from the Sunny View Foundation, Sunny View hopes to expand training to more volunteers.

7 Ways to Find Love and Friendship Later in Life

Remaining open to connecting with new people can be rewarding
By Wendy Sue Knecht for Next Avenue


Credit: Adobe Stock

There’s no question of the importance of personal interactions and connections with friends as an important source of our well-being. This is especially true as we age, and much has been written about the challenge of making friends and finding love in the later years.

Looking for love, or even just hoping to make a new friend, can seem intimidating when you’re older. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Personally, I didn’t find Mr. Right until late in life, and it definitely took some work on my part to be ready for the right person when he came along.

Here are a few insights that may be helpful in finding love and friendship as we get older:

1. Re-frame old mindsets It’s all how we frame things in our minds that affect our vision. With the right mindset, it is easier to find love and friendship.

Although it is often said that as we get older we get more stuck in our ways, this doesn’t have to be true. We learn more about ourselves as the years go by, and our tastes become more distinct; but that doesn’t necessarily imply that we have to become more rigid. As I’ve experienced, it is possible to become more open-minded as we age.

When I got married for the first (and only) time at age 47, I can’t tell you how many comments I received from well-meaning friends and acquaintances: “Really, wasn’t that difficult?” “Weren’t you used to living alone?” and “Weren’t you set in your ways?”

“No!” I would emphatically answer. Being single for so long made me ready to welcome change. Having more self-knowledge made it easier to feel open to new experiences. I realized that being set in my ways was a choice and served no purpose. I made a conscious decision not to be “stuck” in a rigid mindset.

2. Don’t expect others to be perfect With age comes confidence, and hopefully, the acceptance of our own imperfections. Personally, in my younger days, I had strict standards that everyone had to live up to. My friends used to tell me that I was “too picky” regarding men, which was a nice way of saying “too critical.” Once you come to accept your own faults and imperfections, it is much easier to accept other people for who they are. Not only do I not expect anyone to be perfect, I would hate for anyone to expect that of me.

3. Don’t let others define you When we were younger, many of us chose friends a lot like ourselves. Hence the “cliques” in high school, where everyone was pretty much alike. Back then, we needed to be alike to be accepted.

Once we have the self-assurance of age, it is no longer necessary to find a partner or a friend to define ourselves. You can appreciate others more fully when you realize they are not a reflection of you. Differing opinions and tastes can make things more interesting if you are open to listening without judgment. For example, the famous friendship between Supreme Court Justices Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Anthony Scalia comes to mind.

4. Embrace quirkiness Perfect is boring and quirkiness can be a lot of fun if you have a sense of humor. My husband’s “Obsessive Cleaning Disorder” would have driven me crazy in my 30s, but now I can work around it and even appreciate it. As long I keep my own modicum of neatness, I can reap the benefits of his obsession. I am perfectly happy for him to clean up the dinner dishes and organize the drawers (he does a much better job than I do).

Quirkiness in ourselves and in others can make life more interesting. Don’t fight it, embrace it.

5. Celebrate differences An appreciation and tolerance of differences is a big bonus of getting older.

A recent vacation was a big eye-opener. In my newly acquired travel agent role, I booked a small French river barge and filled it to capacity with 21 people. I recruited half of the passengers, whom I knew, and one of my friends brought along the others. Although mostly everyone knew at least one or two of the others on the trip, it was a fusion of childhood, college and work friends from all walks of life, white to blue collar. Everyone took a leap of faith and I held my breath, feeling responsible for the whole lot.

Our group was smart to ignore the topic of politics — one that is way too divisive these days. But everyone took the time to learn from each other. We shared our love of travel, food and wine, and embraced each other’s differing backgrounds. By the time the seven-day trip ended, we all had made a few new friends.

6. Visualize Remember the self-fulfilling prophecy is just that. If you really can feel in your heart that you are ready to meet a new friend or love interest, you are much more likely to be open to it when the opportunity presents itself. Visualize it happening. I found there is a lot of value in putting good thoughts out to the universe.

7. Keep an Open Mind Keeping an open mind is key to finding new friends and love as you get older. Never say never; love and friendship could be just around the corner.

By Wendy Sue Knecht
Travel expert Wendy Knecht is a former flight attendant, a designer of travel bags and author of Life, Love, and a Hijacking: My Pan Am Memoir. She blogs at WendySueKnecht.

I Crashed My Mother’s Red Hat Society Group

Credit: Kevyn Burger

Joy, celebration and camaraderie are always on the agenda

By Kevyn Burger for Next Avenue

As she turned 83, my mother, Jill Burger, declared that every birthday is worth marking in a big way. I jumped on a plane to be with her for her most recent special day when she was the star of a family party featuring cake, presents and three generations of loved ones.

A few days later, Mom invited me to tag along to another birthday observation, this time with a group of friends whom she calls “my Red Hat ladies.”

“No matter how old you are, it’s good to be with women your own age,” Mom told me as I zipped up her purple tunic studded with metallic bangles. “This is such a fun bunch, they’re stylish and peppy. You’ll see.”

She popped a red hat with dyed-to-match ostrich feathers on her head and loaned me her other red hat, the one with a purple veil, and we were off.

Red Hat Society: Looking for Friends and Fun

Credit: Kevyn Burger

For the past decade or so, I’ve been hearing tales from my mother’s Red Hat Society chapter, whose members circulate among the most elegant restaurants in St. Augustine, Fla. (The Red Hat Society is a 20-year-old international social organization for women.) The majority of members in mom’s chapter, in their 80s and 90s, are relative newcomers to Florida, having settled in the historic coastal community after retiring. They arrived looking for friends and fun and found each other.

On the day I accompanied my mother to an Italian restaurant on the beach road, I met Jean, 82, who arrived only slightly winded after her tennis match. Carolyn, 84, was glad she felt well enough to attend after a bout with the flu. And Katie, 92, brought a new joke to share.
“Everything I got is old except my hearing aids!” she chuckled.

Resplendent in red hats festooned with flowers, jewels and veils, the 20 women greeted each other with shrieks of delight and hugs. They “dress to kill,” in Mom’s description, choosing glamorous sequined tops, purple ponchos and lots of jewelry.

“We’re not subtle when we’re all together,” said Jean, who chose a red fedora with a large purple tulle bow from her collection of eight red hats. “We love the camaraderie. We’re all young at heart; I say we’re the oldies but goodies.”

“We lie to each other about how good we look,” added Carolyn, wearing a sparkly red baseball cap. “I don’t know how we got this old, but at least we don’t act it.”

There’s something in the conspicuous donning of their finery for one another that sets the table for them to cut loose.

Red Hat Ladies as Role Models

The youngest club member is Amy Robinson, 51, who began attending the monthly luncheons when she moved south to be near her retired mother several years ago. In accordance with the rules of the Red Hat Society, Robinson wore a pink hat until her 50th birthday, when she was officially welcomed into the club.

“These ladies are role models for where I’m heading,” Robinson said. “I love the way they care for each other. They show their elegance and sophistication; they have beautiful manners and respect for each other. We have such a grand time.”

The Red Hat Society originally started with a tea party among a few California girlfriends and has since expanded to 20,000 chapters in the U.S. and 30 other countries. Initially restricted to women 50 and older, but now open to women of all ages, it takes a playful approach to encouraging female empowerment.

Celebrating Each Other

There’s little formal structure in the monthly get-togethers of my mother’s group, known as the Feisty Femmes. Each gathering honors the women celebrating birthdays that month, so there was a chorus of Happy Birthday as the plates arrived.

According to tradition, each Red Hat brings a greeting card with a $1 bill tucked inside for the birthday girls, and the cards, which ranged from irreverent to mushy, are passed around the table while the women visit. (Only one featured a scantily clad man, which brought on a few snorts of laughter.)

Their chatter included updates about who has met a new great-grandchild, who has taken on a volunteer gig and, this being Florida, who has gotten their roof back after the most recent hurricane.

“We all have our aches and pains, but no one wants to drag down the group talking too much about that stuff,” my mother said.

A Group of Caring Friends to the End

I see the pleasure these women take in the confidences shared in their monthly meetups and in the ways they look out for one another beyond their luncheons. When my mother was at a rehab center after knee surgery, a number of her Red Hats stopped by to visit and others called or sent cheerful get-well cards.

They encourage and keep track of one another, right to the end. Since joining her group, Mom has attended two members’ funerals; she donned her red hat and sat with her similarly attired club sisters as they paid their final respects.

Observing their girlfriend bond gave me a peek into my own future and showed me how important it is to make regular dates to spend time with kindred spirits.

My mother’s Red Hat ladies demonstrated how, when you possess companions who help you keep your sass and sense of humor, life continues to be rich, varied and full of laughter.


Kevyn Burger is a freelance feature writer and radio producer. Her background is in broadcasting. Kevyn worked as a television reporter and investigative journalist and a radio talk show host. A Minneapolis resident, Kevyn is the mother of three and a breast cancer survivor.
 

The Creative Art of Quilting

Quilts by Marijke Vroomen Durning

This art form is good for your health, helps you stay connected and provides purpose


By Marijke Vroomen Durning

If you’re among the 7 to 10 million quilters in the United States, you likely already know how quilting can have a positive impact on your life. Studies have shown crafting can have a healing effect on the mind, but did you know the art of quilting may help restore or maintain your health?

Quilting Offers a Sense of Belonging 

With families and friends spread out across the country, it’s easy to feel disconnected. Unlike many other crafts, quilting can provide the sense of community that has been lost. A few generations ago, women held quilting bees to gather and work on quilts. Today’s equivalent is the quilting guild, where quilters gather to learn about quilting, share creations, work on community projects and reach out to other quilters who need support.

Bonnie Wright, a retired occupational therapy assistant, found this support when quilting helped her adapt to her new home. After moving to Mount Cobb, Pa., following her husband’s death, Wright sought out and joined a guild, so she could meet people. There she met a woman who held smaller meetings in her home. “It’s what I needed,” Wright said. “With this group, I feel like I made the friendships I needed so badly.”

Dana Howell, program director of the occupational therapy department at Eastern Kentucky University, had a similar experience after moving to Seattle and then going through a bad break-up. “I was in a really rough spot, so I started taking a quilting class through a local community college in 1996. To this day, that was one of the most supportive groups of women I have ever been involved with,” she said.

Howell went on to write a paper about the restorative qualities of quilting, which was published in the Journal of Occupational Science in 2000.

Restoring Health

Ricky Tims, a world-renowned quilter, quilt teacher, and designer who lives in La Veta, Colo., underwent quadruple bypass surgery 18 years ago. While he doesn’t credit quilting for his overall recovery, it did play a role. A week after Tims returned home, he was bored, but his activities were limited.



Credit: Compliments of Marijke Vroomen Durning

“I couldn’t lift anything heavier than a 5-pound sack of sugar,” he explained. “I wanted to do what I loved, and that was quilting.” Tims began making a quilt to commemorate his surgery. “I just wanted to get back into the game. It allowed me to stay active and motivated, and that is good mental medicine,” he noted.

Quilting can help patients regain mobility, particularly if they have had a neurological deficit from a stroke or brain injury, said Howell. “There are multiple studies to show that actually performing a task is much better than simulating it,” she added. You can have a patient picking fabric and reaching for it with her or his dominant arm, she explained. “Even if they don’t have the motor control to actually quilt at that moment, we can do lots of things to engage them in the quilting process.”

Tims adds that quilting can help people get through difficult or trying times. For example, when his father was ill, his quilt work helped him get through those days. “Sometimes quilting is a way to manage a crisis situation that may not be one’s own health, but someone close, and this includes the loss of a loved one,” said Tims.

Wright experienced this as well when her husband was undergoing treatment for cancer. “The only way I got through that was with quilting. I would sit with him in the hospital, or when he was having chemotherapy, and I would always have some quilting with me. It would give me something to focus on so I wouldn’t see he was miserable,” she said.

Howell’s paper explains why quilting can have this effect. The personal meaning behind a quilt’s creation, the rituals, the repetitive actions involved in the sewing and the attention the quilt assembly requires all result in a meditative quality, and this can make time pass quickly.

“Each aspect of quilting is unique and novel, and requires efficient attention and other cognitive abilities,” Howell wrote. “This challenge of performing each unique aspect of the project is characterized by focus, intention, and precision, and is praised as restorative by some quilters.”

Improving Mental Health and Decreasing Isolation



Credit: Compliments of Marijke Vroomen

Twelve years ago, Michelle Napoli, an art therapist and mental health counselor in Massachusetts, founded the Survivor Quilt Project. Napoli is a trauma specialist who uses quilting to help incest survivors. Trauma overwhelms the normal processing system, she explained, so survivors may be unable to talk about what happened. However, art therapy can help them identify things when words can’t. “You symbolize how you understand something before you can find the words,” she said.

In projects such as Napoli’s, community quilting projects allow quilters to interact with others while they create. “It’s with the support of other people and when you make the quilt, the conversations can decrease the isolation and confusion you may feel,” she explained.

Wright experienced this in her work, too. “There was one psychiatric facility where the patients and I made several quilts and hung them in the gym,” she said. “It was very satisfying for them to see their work there.” In another program, the women in Wright’s group were tired of the traditional arts and crafts programs, but many wanted to learn how to sew. It was a good problem-solving activity for them as they learned how to pick fabric, decide on the colors, use a sewing machine and work as a group, she said.

“A lot of them had low self-esteem and no hobbies,” Wright said. “Why teach them something in the hospital if they can’t carry it over when they go home?”

Quilting as We Age

Quilting is a physical activity, and as our bodies change, so do our abilities. But crafters are often motivated to stay as healthy as possible so they can continue their art for as long as possible.

“A lot of us have had cataracts removed so we can see and quilt more,” Wright said. “I told my eye doctor, ‘I can’t see the thread and needle, you have to fix this.’ So he said that it was because I had cataracts and I needed new lenses.”

Getting older doesn’t mean quilters can’t learn new tricks. Arthritic fingers can make it hard to hand quilt, but then it’s time to learn how to machine quilt or even to use a long-arm machine, like Wright did.

Learning new skills is a fun way to keep the mind and body sharp. You can take up more complex patterns or different skills as you want or as your body dictates.

“Quilting gives you the opportunity to learn something at your own pace,” Wright said. “It’s not something you have to learn all at once.”


© Next Avenue - 2018. All rights reserved.

 

You May Feel Lonely, but You're Not Alone

Credit: Adobe Stock

Although making friends later in life is difficult, perseverance is worth it

 By Barbara Rady Kazdan for Next Avenue

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; can give and receive without judgment and derive sustenance and strength from the relationship,” Brené Brown, the author and speaker of one of the most famous TED Talks once said.

I was reminded of this quote when today’s mail brought a survey from my congregation for “households with only one adult member.” They’d found that 25 percent of members fit that description. How, the letter asked, could these households be better served?

I wondered, who are those single members? Never married, not yet, not interested; divorced; widowed like me…. The survey never asked the jackpot questions: Are you lonely? How can we help?

The Three Plagues

Gerontologist Dr. Bill Thomas calls loneliness, boredom and helplessness the “three plagues.” I’ve suffered from all three: loneliness can breed boredom; when I can’t fill that void, I feel helpless. In this big wide wonderful world, isn’t boredom some kind of personal sin? Sure feels like it.

Someone in my circle of friends usually asks, “How about a movie this weekend?” Or, “Brunch on Sunday?” Weekdays offer up social and substantive fare — planned and impromptu. But sometimes Friday rolls around with nothing but white space on my weekend calendar. My inbox chides, “You have no events scheduled.”

“Get busy,” I tell myself, “find something to do.” But I can’t always muster enough oomph and ingenuity to carpe the diem.

Can you keep a secret? I binge-watch TV. Sometimes I get groceries or coffee just to interact with other human beings. A paltry substitute for chatting, laughing and engaging with friends or family, but it sure beats staying home with my dog all weekend.

When I was married, mothering and immersed in my career, a drive in the country offered soul-reviving solitude. Now that I live alone, not so much.

How I Fit into America’s ‘Loneliness Epidemic’

During those two-day stints in solitary confinement, when my children call from their dots on the map, they ask, “How’re you doing?” I never answer, “isolated, longing for company.”

I’m lonely, but I’m not alone. Meetup CEO Scott Heiferman says America faces a “loneliness epidemic.” Research confirms that social isolation is increasing: fewer people live near family; many delay getting married and having children and more people of all ages are living alone.

The same year I retired from the job that lured my husband and me from Houston to Washington, D.C., my marital status changed to “W.” (Widowed.) Whoa. I’d been so immersed in my work, I barely knew my neighbors. No circle of friends, no family nearby.

A Lonely Person’s Desire

I spent the next years walking into rooms of name-tagged strangers — joining, volunteering, looking for social connections. At one group’s January meeting, when we shared New Year’s resolutions I said, “To find a new best friend.”

I’d left my BFF behind — tearfully — in Houston. That friendship, steeped in shared confidences from our children’s playdates through their wedding days, seemed irreplaceable. She’s still there, but I needed someone nearby who cared about me and to care about, someone for companionship and support.

Turns out that my desire was not just wishful thinking, but essential to my health.

The trend that concerned my congregation concerns medical professionals, too. Dying of loneliness isn’t just an expression: Health psychologist Bert Uchino found that people with little social support have a mortality rate as high as alcoholics; conversely, the impact of making friends is comparable to giving up smoking.

A primitive, primal need for connection is hardwired into our brains. No wonder I felt an urgency about filling that void.

What Relationships Do For You

Harvard’s 75-year adult happiness study concluded: “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.” Having someone to rely on helps your nervous system relax, keeps your brain healthier longer and diminishes both emotional and physical pain.

Bottom line? “It’s the quality of your close relationships that matters.” I didn’t need a research study to reach that conclusion.

My congregation reflects a societal trend. Psychologist Susan Pinker’s research revealed that people “with frequent face-to-face interactions were not only physically and emotionally healthier, but also lived longer….” Sadly, Pinker notes, “a quarter of the population says they have no one to talk to.”

The No.1 topic choice of Meetups’ 15 million U.S. members? Socializing. The location of the largest group? Transient Washington D.C., a challenging place to find friends, even for someone with a winning personality like mine.

Finding a Kindred Spirit

Aristotle said, “Friendship is a slow-ripening fruit.” Although I urgently needed a close friend, it took time to find a kindred spirit, then deepen the connection. Time to share our stories, to color and fill in the background so when we ask, “What’s new?” the answer fits into a full, nuanced narrative. It requires honesty, the willingness to give and receive confidences in the quest for understanding.

It was worth the wait.

A confidante is defined as someone “with whom private matters and problems are discussed.” When I called a friend recently — someone nearby I’ve become close to — I explained why I’d been quiet lately: “I’ve been worrying about Stacy’s health. I was waiting for news before I called.” 
She listened. We talked. As we hung up, she gently chided, “You didn’t have to wait. You could’ve picked up the phone to tell me, ‘I’m in a funk.'”

Our friendship, she was telling me, could handle the raw, unprocessed stuff of life.

Mission accomplished.


© Twin Cities Public Television - 2017. All rights reserved.



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3 Reasons Boomers Should Play Pokémon Go

Millennials have gravitated to this app, but it's not just for the Snapchat set

By Amy Knapp for Next Avenue

Credit: theverge.com

The Pokémon Go smartphone app was released in the U.S. less than a week ago, and — Millennial that I am — I’ve found myself immersed in the “Poké cult.” I have hunted, captured, evolved and battled with the rest of them. I have chosen a team and found myself walking in places at times that are out of the ordinary for me. I can also proudly claim that I have 54 Pokémon in my Pokédex. Although it may seem as though this new sensation is aimed at Millennials, I have some advice to boomers: Give it a shot.

What Is It?

But first, what is Pokémon Go?

It’s a location-based augmented reality game, developed by Niantic, that lets you explore your neighborhood and beyond — using your GPS and camera — to capture hundreds of different Pokémon. They can be pretty much anywhere — in your lakes, in the park or at your local gym, for example.

According to an article published by Forbes on July 11, market intelligence firm Sensor Tower estimates that the game has been downloaded more than 7.5 million times, and has earned Niantic $1.6 million daily revenue. That was two days ago. Not bad for an app that’s still poking around to find its legs.

The app’s makers, in fact, are still working out some kinks. Users have complained about problems such as a failure to fully upload the app and glitches that can cause the screen to freeze. Perhaps a bigger concern, Pokémon are showing up in places where they aren’t welcome and are sometimes wholly inappropriate.

The New York Times article reported that Pokémon have been showing up at the Auschwitz memorial in Poland, the United States Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C., and the National September 11 Memorial in New York, for instance.

Not Just Nostalgia

For Millennials, Pokémon are nostalgic, a reminder of childhood days spent watching Ash Ketchum catch and battle various Pokémon in the animated television series Pokémon; the collectible trading card game and the Gameboy video games. And the sensation that hit in the ’90s is still going strong, and not just because of the new app. Today’s elementary schoolchildren still trade Pokémon cards and play video games — and the app has only increased interest.

So why should a boomer care about this craze?

Well, for starters, it’s free. So what have you got to lose?

But the first real reason is that it’s good exercise. One of the major benefits of this game is that you get lots of steps when you play. In order to “catch ’em all,” users have to get out and go exploring. Many articles, including this one from Minnesota Public Radio, have pointed out that this app is getting some people up off the couch. (For those of you who are already walking plenty, keep up the good work!)

The second reason is it’s a great way to meet and connect with people. Once you start playing, you’ll find yourself talking to others from all walks of life who are also hunting for Pokémon. You might even make a new friend.

And the third reason is it’s a great way to connect with grandchildren and other kids in your life. Ask them what level they are, how many Pokémon they have captured and if they would like to hunt for Pokémon with you. All you have to do is download the app on your smartphone.

How Do I Play?

The game is simple and easy for users of any age. The point is to collect various types of Pokémon by exploring your surroundings. Once you download the app on your mobile device, you sign in and create a character (the options are limited, so it takes only minutes to set up). Then you can begin the hunt.

Start walking and you will see your surroundings on the screen. As you move about, you will come across Pokémon that you can capture. To do so, click on the Pokémon, wait for a little red-and-white ball (a Pokéball) to appear. Catch the Pokémon by throwing the ball at it. To do this, you hold your finger on the ball, swipe up and release. If the ball hits the creature, it is caught and added to your Pokédex.

The Pokémon have various levels of strength. As you get more involved in the game, you may want to trade weaker Pokémon and evolve them into stronger ones.

The higher level they are, the better you will do in nearby PokéGyms, which are action-packed hubs for players superimposed on real-world landmarks. There are also Pokéstops, where you can pick up free items that will help you obtain more of the creatures. If you feel that battling in the PokéGyms isn’t quite your speed, fear not. You can continue evolving your characters by simply walking around.

And if the game still seems a little confusing, ask the nearest kid how to play.

© Twin Cities Public Television - 2016. All rights reserved.



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6 Ways You Can Help a Friend Who is Sick

Suggestions that let you be present and make a difference

By Carol A. Cassara for Next Avenue

Thinkstock

Boomers pride ourselves on our ability to handle anything that comes our way, but there’s one thing many of us aren’t prepared for: when friends in our age group get life-threatening diseases.

This inescapable front-row seat to a friend’s suffering — and recognition of our own aging — are happening now and will continue for the rest of our lives.

While our friendships in the past might have included vacations, gym sessions and social events, the scenario changes significantly when, for example, a friend is undergoing chemotherapy or another serious treatment. She may be housebound with no energy for outings, unable to drive or even sit at a movie.

We want to be helpful, but we’re often unsure about what we can do. Plenty, it turns out. Here are six specific, kind, and helpful acts to aid a friend who is suffering:

1. Don’t ask; do. We’re an independent generation and many of us hate being dependent. So take the initiative to be useful. Cook a meal or two your friend can eat and bring it over. Offer to run an errand or take her to the doctor or sit with her for treatment. She'll appreciate those types of things.

2. Pay extra attention to your sick friend. Call often, even if you just leave a message. Be sure your friend knows you will stick with him or her no matter what. Because, it turns out, some friends disappear when another gets sick, probably because they don’t know how to handle the situation or what to do. Don’t be one of those who vanish. Be there for your loved one.

3. Visit, and don’t come empty-handed. My local grocery’s floral department will make a small arrangement of six blooms in a small vase for around $12 — perfect for a bedside table. Maybe yours will. Or you could bring something from your garden.

Small-scale is best. Bake banana bread, cookies — whatever might tempt your friend’s palate and let show you are thinking of them.

4. Watch sappy movies together. I have a friend who loves to watch them, and every so often when I visit, we watch an escapist romance on Netflix or on TV. We’ve had some of our best times during those movies and it takes her out of herself for two hours.

5. Give your friend's caregiver some respite. A spouse or other caregiver is often on duty 24 hours a day. Why not offer to spend a day with your friend to give that angel some respite? Let the caregiver have a massage, go to the gym, run errands or just get some much-needed rest. The bonus? You’re spending time with your friend.

6. If your friend lives far away, send something. It might be hard for you to get there in person. Why not send a weekly card? Or a package with some light reading you think your friend might like. Some women might appreciate a deck of health-related affirmation cards. I actually made a deck of affirmations for a special friend, one she uses every day.

It’s hard to watch a dear friend suffer and easy to be paralyzed with fear that you won’t do the right thing. Fact is, any kind, loving act from the heart is appreciated — including just the pleasure of your company.

Copyright© 2015 Next Avenue, a division of Twin Cities Public Television, Inc.

Front Porch is a not-for-profit support system for a family of companies that serve individuals and families through full-service retirement, active adult communities, and affordable housing communities.

More information is available at

www.frontporch.net.

Valentine's Day Blues as You Age

By Rev. Laura L. Mancuso and Peggy Buchanan, Vista del Monte Retirement Community, 

How can a holiday known for diamonds, chocolate, and bright red hearts give you the blues?

For those of us experiencing grief the cheerfulness of Valentine’s Day and its emphasis on loving bonds can feel stifling. The contrast between the glowing advertising images we see of young people in the throes of idealized romantic love and the realities of our present lives can be depressing...

Read article in full at About.com

The Joys of New Friends

5 ways to keep expanding your social network after age 50

By Linda Bernstein for Next Avenue

Hemera/Thinkstock

I used to think that by the time your kids flew the nest, major opportunities for meeting new people you really like winged their way out the window as well. I expected that by the time I hit 50, I’d be singing about old acquaintances all the time, not just humming a nostalgic auld lang syne chorus on New Year’s Eve.

Sure colleges had "parent" committees, but rarely were there face-to-face meetings, given that those parents were flung all over the country. And the only "new" people in the professional arena tended to be, well, more my kids' age than my own.

Experts seem to propound this worldview. In a New York Times article, “Friends of a Certain Age: Why Is It Hard to Make Friends Over 30?” Laura L. Carstensen, director of the Stanford Center on Longevity in California, argued that as people move toward midlife, they interact with fewer people. Hence, they make fewer friends.

Friends Keep Popping Up All Over

Well, Dr. Carstensen, here I am, old enough that people offer me their seat on the bus — and I’m meeting people I like all over the place. My social life is jacked up. Really. The other day my friend Yona came over for lunch. I know Yona through Diane, another recent friend I met through my friend Susan, who was once my boss. This morning Diane told me a silly joke that gave me a laugh exactly when I needed one. Yona recently offered needed emotional support when I made a "career" decision that some would have dubbed "unwise" but I felt relieved me of an unwanted burden. As the song says, “That’s what friends are for” — they make you laugh, and they have your back.

Then there’s my relatively new friend Amy. I sat next to her at a conference a year and a half ago, and she immediately started introducing me to everyone she knew there (a lot more people than I did), included me in her lunch plans, and has become a generous colleague and one of the people I love spending time with. The thing about Amy is that she’s not quite young enough to be my daughter, but almost. (If, like Loretta Lynn, I had been married off as a teen, she would be.)

Sure, there’s a bit of a generation gap between us: She has school-age kids, and mine are solidly in their 20s. But my “grandma” and “mom” poles seem to be demagnetized when she tells stories about her boys. I am amused or bemused — a friend response. When I worry out loud about my young adult offspring, she doesn’t overempathize with them; it’s me she relates to and cares about.

This is another surprise: New friends can be quite younger — and older — than I am. When you're 30, a 10-year age difference seems a chasm. It is, after all, one-third of your life. Now that I'm over 50, 40 seems not so far back; 65 not so far ahead. Ann, whom I met running around the reservoir in New York's Central Park, has grandchildren not so much younger than my kids, but she can run at my pace and keep up a conversation, largely recounting the previous night's comedic monologues. (Which means I have developed the capacity to laugh and run at the same time.)  

These new friends aren’t only of the female persuasion — though I believe that if you’re married and a new male friend isn’t part of a “friendship couple,” it may be harder for the two of you to hang out. Yet I can spend hours on Skype with Maxwell, who lives on the West Coast, without making my husband jealous because (a) Maxwell is all of 40, married to a dynamite woman and clearly not interested in me in “that way,” and (b) we talk about things like html code and subjects way too tech-geeky to enthrall the philosophy professor I married.

When Maxwell was in town recently and we met for a drink, my husband begged off, knowing he would be bored, bored, bored and confident that nothing would happen IRL.

Five Ways to Make New Friends

“All well and good, Linda,” you might be thinking, “but just how do you bring people into your life when, as the experts point out, your opportunities for social interactions are shrinking?”

Answer: Just cast your net—the wider the better. Here’s how I found new friends. And I should mention that I’m actually pretty shy, not a natural extrovert, so you can’t use that as an excuse.

1. Take classes. I am the type who looovvvees school. Still, continuing education classes aren’t quite “school” for those who didn’t like the classroom setting growing up. Mostly you sit around with other adults learning something interesting. You don’t have to do homework unless you want to. (But that’s the great thing: You’ll probably want to).

If there are any colleges or university extensions near you, do a Google search to see what’s on offer. Community centers, Ys and religious institutions also frequently host discussion groups and courses. Another place with new friendship possibilities, and don’t laugh: Weight Watchers meetings. In person. (Yes, those still happen.) Or spend a day with Habitat for Humanity or another volunteer organization. You’ll be exchanging phone numbers by cocktail hour.

2. Join Facebook and LinkedIn. I know: You already did. But are you using them to the max? Facebook is where you can find friends from high school and college with whom you’ve lost touch. Then, though comments, you meet their friends, whom you soon find yourself conversing. I have become friends, and now met in real life, the mother of a young woman about my daughter's age whom I met through work and who "friended" me on Facebook.

Twitter is a wonderful place to discover people you’d never meet otherwise (and sometimes probably will never see face-to-face because they live in, like, New Zealand).

A great thing that has come out of all these online networks is what Twitter folks call the "Tweet Up," but more generally could be simply dubbed a "get-together." People who live nearby but have so far only met online plan a get-together for coffee or a drink. Many times you’ll find yourself trying to pin many new faces to names. Other times it’s just you and one other person grabbing a cup of coffee. Once you’re face-to-face with an online friend, I’ve found, if you take a shine to each other, you’ll start conversing through email and even take it to the phone. If not too much travel is involved, you’ll find yourself seeing your new friends regularly.

What can be really fun is literally going the extra mile. A whole bunch of people I know online who live in the Southwest are converging on Phoenix next Saturday .… just because. Oh, and when you get social, you’ll also get to know friends-of-friends, which is more than a Facebook privacy setting. It’s in-real-life people added to your non-virtual social life.

3. Work out at the gym. True, it’s not easy having a conversation while you’re puffing away on the treadmill or swinging those kettle balls. But what I've found is that there are certain people you see time after time, especially if you take classes. First you start smiling at each other, then you say hi. Finally you have a real conversation in the locker room. Next thing you know, you’re grabbing a post-workout coffee with your new gym buddy.

4. Rediscover old friends. Not just online, either. There’s a woman who lives nearby whom I have kinda-sorta known for years. We were both active in our kids’ PTA and spent time together back then. But you know how things go. The kids grew up, and our contacts dwindled to saying “hi” at the supermarket.

Last summer we ran into each other on the block, and she suggested, totally impromptu, that I come and hang in her backyard. We sat around for hours — first bonding over an intense discussion of cleaning products. From there we went on to our kids, our husbands, Broadway shows and, finally, our hopes and dreams. We simply and magically clicked.  

Not too long ago I also connected with a woman I knew in college but we had totally lost touch. While talking at a party we discovered we’ve lived almost parallel lives since graduation. We know the same people, live close by, have children the same age. We even have the same make and model piano! To my good fortune, this re-acquaintance has become a good friend.

I remember having the thought when I was about 18 that as you got older, the people you met would be more interesting because they'd have so many more stories (i.e., experiences) to share. This indeed has proved true. Also, now that we're more comfortable in our own skins and past the age when we feel the need to impress, bonding comes more naturally. We might have more baggage, but it's easier to unpack.

5. Participate in Meet Ups. Just Google it. All over the world professional groups schedule meetings for casual conversation and networking. Sometimes a member gives a presentation; other times it's just drinks. Either way, discard your cloak-of-shyness and get out there. I know people who have garnered clients and secured job interviews at these kinds of gatherings. I recently found someone who told me that she'd look into some little quirky problems I'm having with my website — for free. Also Google "BNI" (Business Networking International) to find a nearby group (which you'll have to apply to join) or "Professional Networks."

Live Long and Prosper

Having great people to hang out with isn’t the only benefit to making friends as we get older. Social interactions actually help us live longer, say Brigham Young University professors Julianne Holt-Lunstad and Timothy Smith. “When someone is connected to a group and feels responsibility for other people, that sense of purpose and meaning translates to taking better care of themselves and taking fewer risks," Holt-Lunstad explained. Watching out for our own well-being adds years to our lives. (Well, duh.)

This research and the joy my new friends bring reminds me of a camp song I learned long ago: “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.” Except what I’m finding is that new friends and old friends are both gold.

Copyright© 2014 Next Avenue, a division of Twin Cities Public Television, Inc.

ABOUT FRONT PORCH

Front Porch is a not-for-profit support system for a family of companies that serve individuals and families through full-service retirement, active adult communities, and affordable housing communities.

More information is available at www.frontporch.net.