By Grace Birnstengel via Next Avenue
Divorces have a way of creating a snowball of effects beyond a fractured relationship. If the parties involved had children, things are often messier, and if those children also had children, the divorcees no longer face only the challenges of being exes and parents, but also of being grandparents.
Naturally, grandparents under these circumstances might have to interact and — depending on their locations — see each other at holidays or birthday parties. It could be many years since they last had to see one another or communicate. Jennifer Taitz, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA, recently presented an interesting interpretation of how this conundrum could play out for some divorced grandparents: co-grandparenting.
One Family’s Story of Co-Grandparents
In a column for The New York Times, Taitz told her own family’s story. Her parents divorced when she was in elementary school and didn’t exactly have the most amicable split.
“For years, my parents’ contact was limited to kid-related events, like parent-teacher conferences,” Taitz wrote. “Yet their tension remained, my mother occasionally whispering damning words about my father within earshot, inevitably beginning with ‘He never…’ For his part, my father would more directly and angrily announce, ‘Your mother always…’”
But when Taitz’s first child Sylvie came into the world, she “became the first person to truly bring [Taitz’s] parents into a respectfully shared territory in decades.” Things changed between Taitz’s parents — slowly.
It wasn’t a seamless transition. At first there were glares, insults and passive-aggressiveness, but eventually to the author’s amazement, the article noted, “the tension between [her] parents began to abate, particularly when they both zoomed in on Sylvie, a magnet with her bright red hair and contagious giggle.”
Taitz eventually had a second child and moved from New York to Los Angeles where her parents lived.
The light that their grandchildren brought into the world seemed to minimize the disdain the former couple had toward one another. Jo and Emanuel began to coexist peacefully and even made kind gestures to one another. They cordially spent the same holiday together with the grandchildren, and Taitz’s father purchased her mother a ticket for a benefit at Sylvie’s school. They began to work together not as a couple, but as grandparents.
Exposure Therapy?
Non-traditional relationships like these are not realistic for everyone, but it’s a unique and thought-provoking concept that got Taitz thinking about how her parents were able to fall into a working co-grandparenting relationship.
“As a psychologist, I know about the profound therapeutic impact of exposure therapy — when a person chooses to repeatedly face an uncomfortable stimulus rather than avoid it,” she wrote. “For example, if someone hates public speaking, rather than dodging opportunities to grab a microphone, she would actively pursue chances to perform.”
Was exposure therapy at work here? Maybe. But it’s impossible to say for certain whether forced discomfort could ultimately turn positive for every divorced couple. What worked for Taitz’s parents is somewhat miraculous and definitely won’t bring every family together in the same way, but perhaps the moral is: If we all strive just a little more to meet each other halfway, there’s a lot to gain. Especially for those grandchildren.
© Next Avenue - 2018. All rights reserved.
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Credit: Adobe Stock |
The way that you live your life can offer the best lesson
By Lisa Fields for Next Avenue
One of the best gifts you can give your grandchild isn’t something physical to wrap up and offer as a birthday present. Rather, you can help to instill a strong sense of gratitude in your grandchild with your words and actions, which can help the child see how much good is in his or her life.
“Gratitude is our positive connection to the past,” said Nansook Park, professor of psychology at Michigan State University, who studies the effects of gratitude on children. “It gives us the sense that there are good things around us, and those good things in our life are the result of contributions by others.”
Feelings of gratitude can alter a child’s perception of the world, his or her family and himself or herself. Research has shown that children who feel grateful are more satisfied with life, more compassionate, more likely to perform well academically, more likely to have close relationships with their family members and less likely to be susceptible to stress, depression and early sexual encounters with peers.
Children need to be taught about gratitude to glean its benefits; it’s a learned skill. But it’s easier to teach than you might think. Grandparents can help cultivate a strong sense of gratitude in grandchildren of all ages, from toddlers to teens. Here’s how:
Be a Role Model
From a young age, children observe adults to learn important life lessons. If you demonstrate that you feel grateful and express your gratitude consistently, your grandchildren are likely to follow suit.
“Research shows clearly that young people learn by observing, not by listening,” Park said. “Young people who grow up watching adults around them practicing gratitude in daily life are most likely to internalize those concepts and adopt that kind of practice.”
Grandchildren whose parents or grandparents don’t demonstrate gratitude are less likely to cultivate gratitude themselves, even if the adults in their lives tell them to.
“If you don’t model it yourself, it will have no impact,” said psychologist Eric Dlugokinski, professor emeritus at the University of Oklahoma.
Going Beyond ‘Thank You’
From a young age, children are taught to say “thank you” for gifts or kindnesses. But saying the words reflexively doesn’t mean that they’re grateful.
“They are often doing that because they have been prompted and they know it’s a social convention,” said Katelyn Poelker, assistant professor of psychology at Hope College in Holland, Mich., who studies the effects of gratitude on children. “It’s maybe more of a ritual than, ‘Wow, I totally understand all the trouble this person went through to get this toy I really wanted.’”
You can help your grandchildren understand gratitude by teaching them why to say “thank you,” not just when.
“It’s important to explain the rationale behind those automatic thank yous,” Poelker said. “You can only feel gratitude when you understand what the other person had to do to make it a reality for you. A younger child can’t think it through the same way as an older child. Explain it: ‘Grandma called Mommy to see what you wanted, and then she drove all the way to the store and picked it out.’”
Uncovering Silver Linings
Naturally, you want to protect your grandchildren from disappointment. You can’t stop upsetting events from unfolding, but instilling them with a strong sense of gratitude can help.
“It’s part of life to win some and lose some,” Dlugokinski said. “It’s not whether you are defeated at something, it’s whether you bounce back. Resilience is the capacity to bounce back from losses.”
If your grandchild is accustomed to thinking about things that he or she is grateful for, it will be easier to find silver linings in upsetting situations and bounce back.
“Gratitude is encouraging young people to shift the focus away from what went wrong,” Poelker said. “It’s framing disappointments and losses in terms of what you still have. Even if you lose the soccer tournament, you still got to spend 16 weeks with the soccer team: The great friendships, the lessons learned and maybe next year, we’ll be better.”
Giving Praise
Complimenting your grandchild is an excellent way to express gratitude in an accessible way.
“It’s good to recognize success,” Dlugokinski said. “It’s especially good to recognize effort. If somebody has tried as hard as they can and did not achieve, recognize that. They can come back and use that same effort and make it work next time.”
Don’t just tell your grandchild that you’re grateful for his or her actions; explain why.
“It doesn’t have to be a long conversation,” Poelker said. “Explain that actions have consequences. If you take the time to explain things on occasion, that’s where the power of those interactions really lie.”
Offering Perspective
Although teens may seem focused on themselves, they haven’t necessarily forgotten about gratitude.
“People often think that young people are entitled and ungrateful, but that is not always true,” Park said. “Adolescence is for young people to focus more on themselves and try to build a sense of identity. Thinking about how others contribute to their life is not exactly what they are interested in doing. This does not mean that they are not grateful.”
You may help teens embrace gratitude by pointing out sacrifices that others have made for them.
“Encourage them to see things from multiple vantage points,” Poelker said. “It sets them up to better appreciate all the kind things that have been done for them when you understand what it took for the other person to make that happen.”
Expressions of Gratitude
When your grandchild receives a gift, you can encourage him or her to write a thank-you card. If you start early on, card-writing can become a positive habit.
“If adults make it fun with young people and truly explain the meaning of activity, [writing thank-you notes] can be a part of family ritual,” Park said. “However, if adults demand or preach young people to do it as an obligation while they are not doing it, it is not only less effective but it creates resentment and resistance.”
Younger children can get into the habit by drawing thank-you pictures. Older children can dig deep within themselves.
“I would recommend that the note explain why the child is grateful, rather than, ‘Thanks for the gift,’” Poelker said. “You strengthen that bond, acknowledging something deeper than, ‘Hey, you got me something.’ It’s beneficial both for the benefactor and the beneficiary.”
© Next Avenue - 2018. All rights reserved.
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How to keep a journal or blog so you can both share memories
By Patricia Corrigan for Next Avenue
So many boomers are finding delight in nurturing grandchildren — and most of us also are amazed that they do grow up quickly. That rarely seemed the case when we were bringing up our own kids.
A traditional baby book stuffed with baby shower napkins, pink or blue ribbons and photos seems a bit outdated in this digital age, though many of us do make them for our grandchildren.
Another option is a journal.
You can write it on the computer and call it a blog, or on paper and call it a diary. Either way, recording special moments will help you recall every heartfelt emotion from the early days, months or years — depending on long you keep writing. Plus, you will have something meaningful to share with your grandchild when he or she is old enough.
It’s easy. You write what you want, long or short, and you write when you want. The idea is to preserve those moments that touch your heart. There are no deadlines, no required lengths, and no need to fret over spelling or grammar. This is just you, talking on paper or typing up your thoughts.
How to Begin
On the day in 2011 that I learned my daughter-in-law was pregnant, I started an online journal called “OH BOY! OH BOY! A Blog for My Grandson.” I added entries right up until his first birthday.
So what did I write about?
The news of the impending birth, the responses to that news from family and friends and even a sampling of the names we expectant grandparents hoped the baby would call us once he arrived and learned to speak.
I made a note when one of Max’s grandmas-to-be (he has three, lucky boy) first bought baby clothes. She sent me an email that read, “I’m going to send the kids a couple of them, but also hang one up on the living room wall to remind me of him coming. Fun, fun, fun!”
In the blog, I wrote that when I put these new items on the top shelf of the closet, I found not one, but two sock monkey dolls, purchased a few years earlier just in case I ever had a grandchild. In a later post, I dutifully recorded the history of sock monkey dolls.
Of course, I did my share of shopping too. Recreational shopping takes on an extra kick when a grandbaby is on the way! My first purchases were a blue hooded sweatshirt, size 6 months, and teensy tie-dye socks.
Include Warm Wishes from Others
I want Max to know that even people beyond his immediate family cared about him before he arrived, so I copied some emails from friends into the blog.
This came from my friend Carolyn: “What a lucky grandson he will be. He’ll learn the history of Ireland. He’ll learn about oceans. He’ll learn about whales. He’ll have all sorts of children’s books. I’m thinking he’s going to be brilliant!”
One day, I wrote about all the places we might go together: “We can go to the Galapagos when you are 7. Can’t wait for you to meet the marine iguanas! We can go whale watching at the Farallon Islands when you are 10. We can go to San Francisco Giants’ games whenever we feel like it. The California Academy of Sciences, the world-class art museums, the playgrounds — it’s all waiting for us. We’ll go and do and marvel at the world together!”
That day, clearly I was in Grandma-as-Auntie-Mame mode.
On the day of the baby shower, I showed up with a normal gift, but I also brought some of my son’s baby blankets and a few tiny outfits of his that I’d saved all these years — freshly washed, of course. In the blog, I recorded all that, to provide a “you-were-there” moment, along with warm wishes from people at the party.
A few weeks before the baby was due, I wrote this: “We toasted you at Thanksgiving. We spoke of you on Christmas Eve. We toasted you at Christmas dinner. At each event, we were hyper-aware that you will be among us soon. I imagine myself holding you, looking into your eyes. I imagine us becoming quite close. In some ways, you are the person I have been waiting to meet for a long time. I look forward to loving you.”
What older children wouldn’t want to read something like that about their impending arrival?
Report on the Birth and the First Days
Of course I wrote about The Phone Call from my son, saying the baby was here and mom and baby were both well. I also compiled a short list of famous people born the same day. And here is what I reported after my first meeting with Max:
“What an amazing moment. You — and me. For the first time. You were all bundled up in a blanket and had on a tiny hat that made your right ear fold over. At some point — I think when I moved you from my left arm to my right — your blanket shifted and out popped your tiny right hand, with long slender fingers. I touched your hand with my index finger — and you grabbed it. Yep — we are in this together, for the long haul.”
I made a list of visitors who came to see Max at the hospital and in the following months, once he was home. When he was three months old, I recorded a moment of grace: “Time and time again — as recently as yesterday afternoon — I held you while you slept. Sometimes rocking, sometimes sitting still, sometimes patting your back or arm or leg, sometimes just studying your beautiful face, I held you as you slept. What a remarkable gift.”
Write What Your Heart Tells You
You get the idea. Inspiration for this project came from one of Max’s grandmas. “Put together a blog about this journey for him to enjoy when he’s older,” she said. Looking back, I am so glad I listened!
And I think it’s great advice for anyone bubbling over with joy before or after the big event. Again, it’s easy. You just record your thoughts and feelings about the great gift that is the birth of a grandchild.
You write it down now so you can relive it all later, together.
© Twin Cities Public Television - 2017. All rights reserved.
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Millennials have gravitated to this app, but it's not just for the Snapchat set
By Amy Knapp for Next Avenue
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| Credit: theverge.com |
The Pokémon Go smartphone app was released in the U.S. less than a week ago, and — Millennial that I am — I’ve found myself immersed in the “Poké cult.” I have hunted, captured, evolved and battled with the rest of them. I have chosen a team and found myself walking in places at times that are out of the ordinary for me. I can also proudly claim that I have 54 Pokémon in my Pokédex. Although it may seem as though this new sensation is aimed at Millennials, I have some advice to boomers: Give it a shot.
What Is It?
But first, what is Pokémon Go?
It’s a location-based augmented reality game, developed by Niantic, that lets you explore your neighborhood and beyond — using your GPS and camera — to capture hundreds of different Pokémon. They can be pretty much anywhere — in your lakes, in the park or at your local gym, for example.
According to an article published by Forbes on July 11, market intelligence firm Sensor Tower estimates that the game has been downloaded more than 7.5 million times, and has earned Niantic $1.6 million daily revenue. That was two days ago. Not bad for an app that’s still poking around to find its legs.
The app’s makers, in fact, are still working out some kinks. Users have complained about problems such as a failure to fully upload the app and glitches that can cause the screen to freeze. Perhaps a bigger concern, Pokémon are showing up in places where they aren’t welcome and are sometimes wholly inappropriate.
The New York Times article reported that Pokémon have been showing up at the Auschwitz memorial in Poland, the United States Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C., and the National September 11 Memorial in New York, for instance.
Not Just Nostalgia
For Millennials, Pokémon are nostalgic, a reminder of childhood days spent watching Ash Ketchum catch and battle various Pokémon in the animated television series Pokémon; the collectible trading card game and the Gameboy video games. And the sensation that hit in the ’90s is still going strong, and not just because of the new app. Today’s elementary schoolchildren still trade Pokémon cards and play video games — and the app has only increased interest.
So why should a boomer care about this craze?
Well, for starters, it’s free. So what have you got to lose?
But the first real reason is that it’s good exercise. One of the major benefits of this game is that you get lots of steps when you play. In order to “catch ’em all,” users have to get out and go exploring. Many articles, including this one from Minnesota Public Radio, have pointed out that this app is getting some people up off the couch. (For those of you who are already walking plenty, keep up the good work!)
The second reason is it’s a great way to meet and connect with people. Once you start playing, you’ll find yourself talking to others from all walks of life who are also hunting for Pokémon. You might even make a new friend.
And the third reason is it’s a great way to connect with grandchildren and other kids in your life. Ask them what level they are, how many Pokémon they have captured and if they would like to hunt for Pokémon with you. All you have to do is download the app on your smartphone.
How Do I Play?
The game is simple and easy for users of any age. The point is to collect various types of Pokémon by exploring your surroundings. Once you download the app on your mobile device, you sign in and create a character (the options are limited, so it takes only minutes to set up). Then you can begin the hunt.
Start walking and you will see your surroundings on the screen. As you move about, you will come across Pokémon that you can capture. To do so, click on the Pokémon, wait for a little red-and-white ball (a Pokéball) to appear. Catch the Pokémon by throwing the ball at it. To do this, you hold your finger on the ball, swipe up and release. If the ball hits the creature, it is caught and added to your Pokédex.
The Pokémon have various levels of strength. As you get more involved in the game, you may want to trade weaker Pokémon and evolve them into stronger ones.
The higher level they are, the better you will do in nearby PokéGyms, which are action-packed hubs for players superimposed on real-world landmarks. There are also Pokéstops, where you can pick up free items that will help you obtain more of the creatures. If you feel that battling in the PokéGyms isn’t quite your speed, fear not. You can continue evolving your characters by simply walking around.
And if the game still seems a little confusing, ask the nearest kid how to play.
© Twin Cities Public Television - 2016. All rights reserved.
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