An Emotional Playbook for Couples in Retirement

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6 tips to navigate a time of life that brings so many changes

By Joan Fischer

We’d only been retired for a few weeks when the questions started coming.

“How’re you doing with so much time together?” we heard from friends, both the still-working and the long-retired alike, their voices knit with concern.

I was a little puzzled. My husband and I had been married for nearly 35 years and got along just fine. What mysteries could possibly await us?

Yet apparently we’d stumbled onto new ground in Elder Country, where each couple must blaze their own trail. We met one pair who can’t get enough of each other, traversing the country in the close quarters of an RV and spending months at a time volunteering at national parks, often living in remote sites with no TV, cell or Wi-Fi.

And on the other end of the spectrum, we met a couple who’d agreed to more or less ignore each other until 5 p.m. on weekdays, mimicking the schedule they’d kept during their working lives. This was not done with any hostility; it was simply a pattern of interaction that worked for them.

Where would we fit in?

As time went on, I realized that our concerned friends had a point: Retired couples do need to hash things out.

The stakes are high. While nearly 80 million boomers are retiring at a rate of some 10,000 per day, according to the Social Security Administration and other sources — the divorce rate of older Americans is also rising. Among people ages 65 and older, divorces have roughly tripled since 1990. At least some of that discontent is caused by problems that surface in retirement.

Couples in Retirement: Preparing for the Next Stage

“Due to our heightened expectations of marriage and also to our healthier life spans, most people are no longer willing to stay in a boring marriage ‘until death do us part,’” noted sociologist Stephanie Coontz, director of research at the Austin, Texas-based Council on Contemporary Families.

But even if divorce is not on the menu, couples need to prepare — beyond finances and health care — for a life stage that brings so many changes. Most of us don’t blithely stumble into marriage or childbirth, perhaps because those transitions carry so many obvious red flags. Retirement, on the other hand, seems like 100 percent ease, a hard-earned gift of time. In spite of that, couples need an “emotional playbook,” said Miriam Goodman, author of Too Much Togetherness: Surviving Retirement as a Couple.

Navigating the Challenges, Enjoying the Experience

Luckily for all of us, a number of sociologists and other experts have weighed in on marital harmony in retirement. Here are six key pieces of advice:

Communicate clearly “It’s not you, it’s me.” If one of you needs more alone time, make sure your partner understands it’s a part of your nature, rather than a rejection of his or her company. Presumably, your spouse knows a bit about your temperament after so many years together, but a whopping 40 hours a week of newly freed time can be a wake-up call to each partner’s needs and plans. A need for “more space” can be addressed quite literally by designating separate rooms for each partner as mostly his or hers, if possible.

Cultivate separate hobbies and friendships “Couples should focus on building their individual social lives to avoid becoming too dependent on each other or spending too much time together,” advised sociologist Rob Pascale, co-author (with Louis H. Primavera and Rip Roach) of The Retirement Maze: What You Should Know Before and After You Retire. “In addition to maintaining and strengthening existing friendships, retirees can consider joining clubs and organizations so they have opportunities for developing new independent relationships.”

Spend time with others as a couple “People report the happiest feelings when they socialize with their partner and other adults, not just with the partner,” said Coontz. “And a whole lot of studies show that having friends beyond your family or spouse as you age is an extremely important contribution to people’s mental and physical well-being. It’s a protective factor on the same order as keeping physically fit and not smoking.”

Understand that retirement brings different challenges for men and women By most accounts, men have the tougher time. Many women have moved in and out of the workforce while raising children, and, culturally, have been encouraged to place a higher value on close friendships. They’ve also been assigned more of the day-to-day domestic activities that await the retiree.

The emphasis of men’s role as providers first and foremost, spending less time cultivating friendships and managing the home, leaves many men more at a loss when the workweek vanishes. That, in turn, can become a problem for women who find their husbands suddenly underfoot.

Couples can kill two birds with one stone by: a) agreeing that each partner will pursue new activities and friendships and b) negotiating an equal division of domestic chores, even if the woman had done the lion’s share while both partners worked.

Partners who both work should retire at the same time, if possible “Researchers have found that when spouses retire together, the marriage is seldom affected by their joint decision; good marriages will stay good and bad marriages bad. But problems can occur when only half of a two-income couple retires,” said Pascale.

By retiring together, partners avoid such issues as changes in the dynamics of the relationship —only one person “bringing home the bacon,” for example, can cause problems — or interference with the retired partner’s ability to participate in certain types of activities or social events. Retiring together also provides each partner with some emotional support as they try to adjust to their new living arrangements, Pascale noted.

Allow yourselves time to adjust “Be patient with each other,” said Goodman. It takes time and experimentation to find a groove. Maybe one partner will decide to take a part-time job or a significant volunteering commitment that feels like a job, while the other is happy with less structure.

It is sobering to recognize that retirement represents our last years of life, our time to finally do whatever we wish — health and resources permitting. That freedom is a tremendous gift; one that, with good communication and understanding, couples can make the most of together.

7 Easy Ways to Build Strong Bones

7 Easy Ways to Build Strong Bones

Jump 10 times, crush some cans and other tips to boost bone density

By Linda Melone for Next Avenue

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Bone building reaches a peak during adolescence but then slows after age 25. In addition to this natural bone loss, we’re less likely to perform high-impact, bone-stimulating exercises (such as jumping) after age 50. This adds up to an increased risk of osteoporosis and bone breaks and fractures.

Fortunately, you can build stronger bones at any age.

A recent study published in the American Journal of Health Promotion shows that people who jumped 10 times twice daily increased bone density by .5 percent compared with those who didn't and lost about 1.3 percent. (Note: the study did not include women with osteoporosis; jumping is not recommended in cases of weak bones.)

Experts offer these seven easy tips for men and women to keep bones strong throughout their lives:

1. Snack on yogurt and other calcium-rich foods. Including yogurt, cottage cheese and other low-fat dairy foods adds bone-strengthening calcium to your diet. “In addition to dairy products, choose fish with bones such as salmon, sardines or whitebait,” says registered dietitian Laura Jeffers.

For additional benefits, serve these foods with a side of dark leafy green vegetables or broccoli, which also contain calcium. Other bone-building snacks include almonds, dried figs, calcium-fortified tofu and, if you prefer non-dairy, soy milk.

2. Take a hike. Try to engage in at least 30 minutes of exercise every day, by jogging, brisk walking or aerobics — at whatever level of ability, says Susan Randall, of the National Osteoporosis Foundation (NOF). “As you build stamina, increase the duration and intensity of your exercise,” she says.

To see real improvements in bone density, you need to push your intensity, says Cleveland Clinic physical therapist Maribeth Gibbon. “Increasing your pace for short intervals or going up and down hills will place appropriate forces on your bones.”

Alternate higher-intensity exercises two to three days a week with lower-intensity activities four to five days a week for best results.

3. Lift weights. “All women begin to lose bone mass after menopause,” says Randall, “so the stronger the muscle and the stronger the bone mass before menopause, the better.” Men should lift weights, too.

Resistance exercise requires muscular strength, which improves muscle mass and strengthens and supports bone. Examples of resistance training tools include free weights, wrist weights, weighted vests, exercise bands and resistance machines found at gyms and health clubs. Strive for two to three resistance training workouts a week.

4. Consider a supplement. Your calcium needs increase with age, making it a challenge to take in enough calcium through food alone. The U.S. recommended daily allowance for calcium is 1,000 mg a day during your 20s, 30s and 40s.

After menopause, most women need 1,000 to 1,500 mg a day unless they take hormone therapy, says Jeffers. Men between 50 and 70 years old need 1,000 mg a day; men over 70 need 1,200 mg.

“And since your body absorbs only 500 mg of calcium at a time, divide your dosages out over the course of the day,” Jeffers says. Check with your doctor before starting supplements to find out what amount is right for you.

5. Take a daily “D.” To help absorb calcium, most adults need 1,000 to 2,000 IU of vitamin D daily, says Dr. Andrea Sikon of Cleveland Clinic. “Combined calcium-vitamin D pills usually do not meet this requirement. And most of us who live north of Atlanta do not get enough vitamin D the old-fashioned way — from the sun. Taking a vitamin D supplement ensures you meet your daily needs.”

Even if you take medications such as bisphosphonates (e.g. Fosamax), you still need vitamin D and calcium as building blocks, says Sikon.

6. Stomp your feet. Similar to the noted benefits of jumping for bone density, simply stomping your feet can also help increase bone density in your hips, says Gibbon.

“Do four stomps on each foot twice a day with enough pressure to crush a can,” she says.

Make it a habit to stomp on cans before you toss them into the recycle bin.

Gibbon recommends performing exercise that is site-specific, meaning it must target the areas most prone to fracture: spine, hips and wrists. Push-ups and planks work the wrists and the NOF recommends these exercises to target the spine.

7. Stretch it out. Round out your workouts with stretching to help avoid a hunched-over posture down the road. “Posture, balance, flexibility, and spine strengthening exercises can help you with better alignment of your body now and in the future,” says Randall.

Lengthening tight muscles reduces back pain and promotes good spinal mechanics and posture, says Gibbon.

Muscles that are commonly tight include those you use to arch your back (spinal extensors); raise and rotate your shoulders (shoulder elevators and external rotators); lift your knees (hip flexors) and pull your feet toward your body (ankle dorsiflexor).

Perform stretches slowly and smoothly, “to a point of stretch, not pain,” Gibbon advises. For maximum benefit, do stretches once or twice a day, holding each stretch for 20 to 30 seconds.

Copyright© 2014 Next Avenue, a division of Twin Cities Public Television, Inc.

Front Porch is a not-for-profit support system for a family of companies that serve individuals and families through full-service retirement, active adult communities, and affordable housing communities.

More information is available at www.frontporch.net.

How to Fall in Love With Your Spouse All Over Again

Experts and couples reveal five secrets of successful long-term relationships

By Linda Bernstein for Next Avenue

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Last month my daughter got married. During the ceremony, she and her husband gazed at each other adoringly and joy seemed to exude from every pore in their bodies. I found myself wondering, Have any two people ever been so in love?

Even as I squeezed the hand of my darling husband of 32 years, I felt as if I could never have been as much in love with him as my daughter was with her man on their wedding day.

Or maybe, I mused, love just looks more radiant on young faces. Could love possibly have a shelf life? Does it have “planned obsolescence,” like modern technology?

So I did a little research.

What I learned boils down to this: Even a marriage that’s about to smash up against the rocks (barring physical or emotional abuse or criminal acts) can tack its way back into calm and pleasant waters.

We’re not just talking about doing damage control. “It’s almost never too late to start the process of falling in love all over again,” says James Córdova, Ph.D., chair of Clark University's psychology department and head of Clark’s Center for Couples & Family Research.

Taking Too Much for Granted

“One of the things that happens in long-term marriages is that the demands of everyday life steal our attention away from our partners — and paying attention to the other is crucial for happy relationships,” Córdova says. This lack of focus on your spouse slowly unravels the fabric of a solid relationship.

Sometimes the disintegration happens over a number of years, during which the couple exist in a kind of emotional limbo. Córdova notes that, statistically, it takes couples up to six years to seek help or advice after they’ve reached a tipping point. And that, he says, only increases the impact on the marriage.

Fritz Galette, Ph.D., a family therapist who hosts the weekly “Ask Dr. Fritz” on New York City’s WWRL, agrees. “By the time I see couples, they’re often in crisis,” he says. “The discontent has been festering for years.”

And yet experts believe that even in cases where the discontent has been on a low boil, there are still ways to revive the old passion.

5 Ways to Restoke the Fires of Love

Galette and Córdova both recommend that couples in crisis seek professional help, whether from clergy or family/marriage therapists. On top of that, the following steps — first discussed and then put into practice — can help salvage a troubled marriage.

1. Act like you’re in a new relationship. Galette recommends that couples ask each other the kinds of questions typical of new daters’ “getting to know each other” conversations.

Jill Kaplan*, whose 28-year-old marriage had been feeling flat, realized that she and her husband, Todd (names have been changed), had fallen so out of sync that the things she was doing to please him were actually annoying him. “I thought he wanted me to watch sports on TV with him," she says. "I really didn’t always want to, but I kept it up for him.”

It took a close friend, who observed the tension in the family room, to get Jill to ask Todd if he really wanted her company. She got a surprising answer. “It turned out that he preferred not to have me there if I wasn’t into the game!” Jill says.

“That was just the first question,” she adds. “Now we’re on to which family we want to spend holidays with and what clothes the other wears that we really like. It’s like he’s my new boyfriend. It's like I’ve discovered a favorite old outfit in my closet: Todd looks good to me and yet our relationship has the spark of something new and special.”

2. Pay attention to your spouse. One of the biggest complaints Galette hears is that couples feel ignored by their mates. Spouses get used to one another and, over time, don’t really notice what they’re each going through.

“Sometimes people think they’re paying attention to their spouses but they really aren’t,” he says. “I advise couples to look into the other’s eyes when they’re having a conversation. It’s much easier to concentrate on someone’s words and share when your partner is looking right at you.”

Galette also promotes an effective technique called active listening. “When one person speaks, the other can’t interrupt. He must listen completely before he says anything — and then he has to respond.”

3. Share new experiences. For years, relationship experts (and every women’s magazine) have been advising couples to set aside time for “date night.” Córdova says that going out and doing things together on a regular basis and creating romantic rituals is good for a relationship. But it's even better to try something out of the ordinary. Get creative and step outside your comfort zone.

Galette agrees. “Doing something new and different together, like taking tennis lessons — which is what my wife and I did recently — enhances your sense of intimacy.”

Karen and Bob Callahan, a couple who had thought their next step was divorce, breathed new life into their marriage when they reluctantly took a kayaking course together. “Neither one of us is particularly athletic, so when our pastor [whom they had seen for counseling] showed us a brochure, we both thought, Why not?” Bob says.

“Actually," Karen adds with a laugh, "my first thought was, 'If we both drown, it couldn’t feel as bad as how miserable I am now.'”

It turned out that kayaking didn’t take too much athletic prowess, and the two had a terrific time paddling around a local lake. “We started making up stories about the fancy houses we saw and soon we were laughing so hard we almost tipped,” Karen says. The weekend after they received their “certificate,” they booked a B&B on the lake, where they spent less time kayaking and more time just enjoying being together.

4. Be affectionate — physically and verbally. Research has established that touch communicates a wider range of emotions than mere gestures. “The science of touch suggests that a pat on the back, a squeeze of the hand, a hug or an arm around the shoulder can save a so-so marriage,” writes Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside. “Introducing more (nonsexual) touching and affection on a daily basis will go a long way in rekindling the warmth and tenderness.”

According to Córdova, however, this prescription for tenderness must also include loving language — and it needs to be heartfelt. “I love you” should be more than a reflexive recitation of syllables at the end of a phone call. Instead, say something affectionate and sweet at unexpected times.

Loving phrases can — and should — be sprinkled generously throughout your interactions. Tell your spouse he’s amazing while you’re eating dinner. Compliment your wife’s problem-solving abilities while trouble-shooting a plumbing problem.

5. Always be kind. “It’s not important whether your partner is ‘succeeding’ or ‘failing’ when your goal is to have a genuinely loving relationship,” says Córdova. “If your partner shows up late, no matter how annoyed you are, you can still respond with kindness.”

“When Bob and I began paying true attention to how we were communicating," says Karen, "we realized that we were [venting] when we could have easily let the issue roll off our backs.”

So they tried an experiment. One Saturday they left a recorder running. “We were shocked when we listened to it later," says Bob. "The way we were responding to each other made us cringe. It was exactly the kind of negative communication that makes people uncomfortable when they see it in others.”

To find a remedy for that habitual behavior, Bob and Karen made lists of 10 things the other did that bugged them and wrote down their usual responses. “Then we looked at each other’s lists and discussed how we could communicate our feelings without being hurtful,” says Karen.

Once you start being intentionally kind, says Córdova, “the interaction goes to a new place — the kind you would prefer in a happy marriage.”

But, he cautions, “Being kind when you’re not feeling that way takes practice. It doesn’t come naturally at first, but it can turn into a habit.”

What’s Old Is New Again

While we can’t realistically expect our long-term partner to be the exact same person we married, Córdova says, that may be a positive thing. “It’s like you have a whole new person there beside you — someone you can date, with all the benefits of already being married.” Ultimately, he adds, it’s not so much about going back to what you had before. It’s more about going forward and building something new and better suited to who you’ve each become.

Copyright© 2014 Next Avenue, a division of Twin Cities Public Television, Inc.

Front Porch is a not-for-profit support system for a family of companies that serve individuals and families through full-service retirement, active adult communities, and affordable housing communities. More information is available at www.frontporch.net.

A Valentine for Our Tireless Volunteers

Our Hearts Go Out to You

As we approach Valentine’s Day this month, know that all of us hold a special place in our hearts for you, our Volunteers.

We recognize the selfless time and dedication each of you give in so many ways, and for that we are truly grateful.

Whether you give an occasional hour or you help day-in and day-out, we thank you.


We’re grateful that you are part of our community!


-Bonnie Stover, Director of Volunteer Services


Front Porch is a not-for-profit support system for a family of companies that serve individuals and families through full-service retirement, active adult communities, and affordable housing communities.


More information is available at www.frontporch.net.

Still Working After 75 — And Loving It

By Chris Farrell for Next Avenue

January 20, 2015

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Willie Nelson is 81; Warren Buffett is 84; Mary Higgins Clark is 86 and David Hockney is 77. All are still working and going strong. So are more and more Americans 75 and older. You might be one of them someday — and glad of it.

In a recent interview, British painter David Hockney — one of the world’s greatest living artists —captured the joy, meaning and youthfulness he continues to draw from his profession. “When I’m working, I feel like Picasso, I feel I’m 30,” he told Tim Lewis of The London Observer. “When I stop I know I’m not, but when I paint, I stand up for six hours a day and yeah, I feel I’m 30.”

'It's What I Enjoy Doing'

I imagine that sentiment rings true for Mark Paper, age 81. He’s President of Lewis Bolt & Nut Company in Wayzata, Minn., a firm owned by his family since 1927. Paper took the helm from his father in 1962 and remains deeply involved in the company’s expanding operations. He gets daily and weekly reports, stays in touch with its executives and flies out to visit the manufacturing plant in La Junta, Colo. several times a month.

“Why not stop working?” I asked Paper. “You have money. You’re 81-years-old. Haven’t you heard of retirement?” His answer: “It’s what I enjoy doing.”

Plenty of other septuagenarians and octogenarians feel the same way.

Although people working at age 75 and over are a distinct minority— comprising less than one percent of the total labor force — roughly 11 percent of American men 75 and older are still at it and 5 percent of women that age are. By contrast, in 1992, only about 7 percent of 75+ men and 3 percent of 75+ women worked.

Indeed, after declining sharply in the early postwar decades, the average age of retirement in America has risen over the past two decades, to 64 for men and 62 for women, calculates Alicia Munnell, head of the Center for Retirement Research at Boston College.

While the labor force participation rate for men 75 and up is currently about double that of the rate for women, the gap is expected to shrink. Boomer and Gen X women are well educated and more attached to their jobs than previous generations.

'I Can't Imagine Not Being Employed'

Marilyn Tully, 75, loves working, too. She has been self-employed her entire working life in businesses mostly revolving around the home and interior design. “I can’t imagine not being employed,” she says. “Especially if you still have the energy, which I do and, like me, you have the creative urge.”

That doesn’t mean there haven’t been rough patches. In 2007, she and her husband had to shutter their Naples, Fla. furniture business, a casualty of the housing market implosion, and her interior design company suffered. These days, her design business is picking up, she represents a successful jewelry designer and consults on inventory management for high-end designers. (Her husband handles the administrative and IT sides of her firms.) When they aren’t working, they sail  Florida’s gulf coast for two weeks at a time on the trimaran Tully’s husband built. “It’s a good life,” she says.

'It Keeps Me Young'

Newspaper publisher Jerry Bellune of Lexington, S.C., 77, works at a pace that would leave many younger workers gasping. He says running the Lexington County Chronicle & Dispatch News with his wife, MacLeod, offers him “enjoyment, exhilaration, a strong sense of mission and purpose.” On top of that, says Bellune, “it keeps me young, working with younger people and helping them grow personally and professionally.”

And he has no plans to stop. “I'd like to work as long as I'm able and can still make a contribution,” Bellune told me.

Here’s a typical workweek for him: Mondays and Tuesdays, he’s usually at the office, writing, proofing pages and talking with the staff about coverage, and the rest of the week he’s mostly writing and helping with community endeavors. Weekends are busy, too, writing weekly and monthly articles for a business magazine and two trade magazines. (He’s also a consultant and manages a family investment fund. Tired yet?)

The Bellunes do take breaks, traveling abroad several weeks a year and spending time at their vacation home. “We have an excellent staff that permits us that leisure,” he says.

'It Keeps Me Off the Streets'

Funeral assistant Jerry Beddow, 75, loves working, too. A year after retiring as a high school principal in 1994, Beddow began his current job at Patton-Schad Funeral and Cremation Services in Sauk Centre, Minn. He works about three to four hours a day, helping position caskets at the funeral home, carrying flowers, talking to grieving families and driving the hearse. “It keeps me off the streets,” he laughs.

After researching my new book, Unretirement, I’ve come to believe that the ranks of people 75+ earning a paycheck will expand in coming decades, especially among better educated employees and business owners. It isn’t inconceivable that the average retirement age when the youngest boomers reach their 70s in the early 2030s could approach 70.

“Public opinion in the aggregate may decree that the average person becomes old at age 68, but you won’t get too far trying to convince people that age that the threshold applies to them,” notes Pew Research in its report, Growing Old in America: Expectations vs. Reality. “Even among those who are 75 and older, just 35 percent say they feel old.”

The ones who are able to keep working well into their 70s, I think, will find themselves leading richer lives, both financially and psychically.

Copyright© 2014 Next Avenue, a division of Twin Cities Public Television, Inc.

Front Porch is a not-for-profit support system for a family of companies that serve individuals and families through full-service retirement, active adult communities, and affordable housing communities.

More information is available at www.frontporch.net.