Why I Call My Dad Even if It's Not Father's Day

My phone calls to him used to be obligatory, but loss has a way of changing things

By Jill Smolowe for Next Avenue

Jill Smolowe with her father

When I was a college undergraduate, I used to call my parents every Thursday night. The calls were mandatory, the price of college tuition, so to speak. Invariably, my mother would answer, then yell, “Dick! Pick up! It’s Jill.”

Nothing of substance was ever said about my coursework. And certainly I wasn’t going to tell them who I was sleeping with or what I was smoking. So, I remember not one thing about these phone calls beyond this: both of my parents were on the line, I was itchy to get off so I could get back to my life and any parental input pretty much came from my mother.

Our No-Obligation Daily Phone Call

On Father’s Day this year, I, like millions of Americans, will call my dad. But there will be nothing dutiful or obligatory about it. These days, I speak with my father daily. Sometimes I dial his speed number; just as often, he dials mine. Often the conversation begins, “Hi, I can’t remember if we talked today.” We laugh. Then we talk, whether we’ve already talked earlier in the day or not. These conversations are never obligatory and most definitely are never a chore.

To the contrary, I can’t imagine a day going by without speaking to my dad. (Well, unless he’s traveling. He and cell phones — fuggedaboutit.) I talk with him not because I feel I have to, but because I want to. At this point, he’s not just my father. He’s my financial adviser. My friend. The one person in the universe, other than my husband, with whom I touch base daily. I know the details of my father’s days; he knows the details of mine. At 60, I find my relationship with my father widening, our intimacy deepening, our love (always solid) developing still new layers.

Some days, we talk about the markets and dividend reinvesting. Other days, we discuss news developments: the Syrian refugee crisis, Putin’s latest maneuvering, the U.S. presidential campaign. The only topic I try to steer wide of is Israel. (Generational differences. It never ends happily.) All days, we discuss the weather, but only briefly.

How Dad Dazzles Me

Some days, he dazzles me. Last November, for instance, I dropped him at the airport at 6 p.m. for a 9:44 p.m. flight. (He has this thing about getting to airports waaay early.) He was heading home after a visit and should have been walking through his front door at 1 a.m. Instead, when I phoned the next day at 11 a.m., he greeted me with, “I just got home.” Plane problems, followed by flight reschedulings the airline didn’t sort out until after midnight, had resulted in my dad spending the night on a couch in a food court. The guy is 85!

Did he tell me about his aches or the airport chaos? No. Instead, the guy who used to run a women’s apparel business said this about his ordeal: “It made me think about the refugees. All that trekking. This was not planned, very disruptive. I wanted to get back home. Think of those people, losing their homes, their countries, then landing in countries that don’t want them. It rocked me.”

My Rock During Tough Times

These days, we also discuss our personal lives — sometimes in intimate detail. My two brothers and I joke, “TMI.” But for me, actually, there is no too-much-information when it comes to the man we all call Big D. That barrier began to crumble in 2007 after my husband, Joe, was diagnosed with leukemia.

At the time, I was spending long days at the hospital, then coming home to a barrage of voicemail messages I was too exhausted to handle. I needed someone who could relay the day’s medical developments to other family members. My father was hardly the obvious choice, given his family standing as the “ostrich,” my mother’s term for his tendency to put his head in the sand when emotional stuff kicked up. But I knew my father to be a succinct and reliable communicator. I could count on him to relay the often-complicated medical details to my mother and three siblings without spin or distortion.

As the weeks, then months, went by, I realized that I’d come to rely on Dad as my sounding board. He never tried to steer my thinking on difficult medical decisions. Rather, he helped guide me back to information I’d given him previously that might help inform whatever decision Joe and I were facing.

After Joe died in June 2009, I haven’t a clue how frequently I spoke with my father. That period, frankly, was too much of a blur. Certainly, there was an uptick in our phone calls come the turn of 2010. My sister was dying from colon cancer up in Vermont; my mother was dying from age-related complications down in North Carolina. It was, to put it mildly, a very bad time. My touching base with my father, him touching base with me, helped steady both of us.

It was after my sister died in August of that year, followed less than three weeks later by my mother, that I began to call my father daily. Initially I called because I was concerned how he was weathering widowerhood. But in short order, self-imposed obligation became habit became a genuine desire to hear his voice and his thoughts each day, every day.

Our Intimate Relationship, After All These Years

By this time, I’d met online the man who would become my second husband. I wanted my father to venture into the cyber-dating world, too. My mother had pounded him with the message that he should look for a new mate quickly. She did not want him to be alone. Neither did I.

And so, our conversations took a more intimate turn as I helped my father sign up on the same two cyber dating sites I’d used. As he began to venture out, meeting not-Mom women for the first time in some 60 years, he could sound like a giddy schoolboy with his (OK, sometimes TMI) stories.

I’ve loved seeing this social being emerge. And I love the intimacy that has evolved between us as a result. At times, I find myself telling him things I haven’t shared with even my closest female friends. It’s so unexpected. So trusting. So lovely.

Next month, my dad turns 86. He exercises daily, eats a healthy diet and has all his faculties. But I am very aware that he is aging. Very aware that he is slowing down. Very aware that there will come a day when he will not be there to receive a Father’s Day call. I am also keenly aware that I am not at all prepared for this. Every time he doesn’t feel well (which isn’t often), a mantra begins in my head: “I’m not ready for him to go.”

How can I be? At this point in my life, this amazing man is not only my father. He is my friend. My adviser. My ear. My shoulder. My witness. For that, I not only love him. I adore him.

Happy Father’s Day, Big D. I am so grateful you’re my dad.
© Twin Cities Public Television - 2017. All rights reserved.

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Too Old to Learn a Language? Don't Believe It

As an older adult, you have skills that can help — and your brain will thank you


By Bill Ward for Next Avenue

 


Credit: Adobe Stock

Conventional wisdom holds that the older we get, the harder it is to learn a new language. Which is true — except when it’s not.

Turns out that while our brains might not be as quick or deft as in those halcyon days of youth, all that hard-earned experience, knowledge and discipline can come to the rescue.

Using Our Adult Knowledge to Learn a Language

“[Older adults] know more about culture, about how the world works, about how our native language works,” said Lisa Frumkes, senior director of content for Rosetta Stone, an education technology software company that develops language, literacy and brain-fitness software. “So we can build on these things. We also have to have discipline when learning a language, and that is something older people have more of. Knowing how to regulate your schedule, that’s 90 percent of the exercise.”

Other experts agree, pointing to learned skills such as a better grasp of syntax, grammar and pronunciation, plus a broader vocabulary in our native tongue.

Catherine Snow, a professor of education at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, has written that older adults are better at intentional learning and literacy skills.

High Expectations

The benefits of learning a language are enormous, but sometimes so are the barriers, starting with busy schedules and self-doubt (thanks in part to that old bugaboo, conventional wisdom).

“As we get older, we have much, much bigger expectations of ourselves,” Frumkes said. “We ask a lot more of ourselves, so we need to cut ourselves some slack. I think Americans also think there is something particularly difficult about learning a language. But it isn’t harder than learning to do anything at an older age, whether it’s calculus or golf. I see older people going out and learning the violin. No one tells them it’s hard to do that, even though they have less dexterity and learning how to read music is hard.”

The Brain’s Resilience

Even for those who have suffered cognitive decline, learning a language can be feasible.

Judith Campisi, a professor at the University of California at Berkeley’s Buck Institute for Research on Aging, said research on “chemobrain” (cognitive loss after chemotherapy) indicates that our brains are more resilient and adaptable than previously believed.

“When there’s a decline, the brain has the ability to call on other parts of the brain,” Campisi said. “We suspect that’s happening in aging, that the brain has more plasticity and we have better ability to draw on other parts of the brain. It could be that people learning a language are calling on other parts of the brain.”

Or, as Frumkes put it, “As long as you’re continuing to work your brain in a variety of ways, you will find things in your brain that you thought were gone that are still there. There’s a lot locked up in our brains that just needs to be shaken.”

Babies vs. Adults

That goes against the prevailing thinking from a half-century ago, which centered around a “critical period hypothesis:” that infants and toddlers effortlessly acquire language and that such learning becomes increasingly difficult after the first few years of life (dubbed “the critical period”).

A research paper called “The Older Language Learner” by University of Michigan education professor Mary J. Schleppegrell, a linguistics expert, put the kibosh on that notion: “Studies indicate that attaining a working ability to communicate in a new language may actually be easier and more rapid for the adult than for the child. Adults learn differently from children, but no age-related differences in learning ability have been demonstrated for adults of different ages,” the paper said.

Besides, as Frumkes noted, “When you learn something as a child, you’re not learning at a high level. It’s not as high a bar.”
Bilingual Benefits Abound

The ability to learn a new language varies — “everything like this is always individual,” Campisi said — and, not surprisingly, those who already are bilingual have advantages.

“It’s just as if you played tennis when you were younger, some other racquet sport will be easier to learn,” Frumkes said. “With bilingual people, knowing that words and phrases are not one-for-one and that word order works differently — that grammar works differently — really helps, because you know what things to look out for.”

Frumkes added that she’s not sure if there are gender differences for learning a language when you’re older. “There’s always been talk that women are better, but that may be more of a social construct rather than how we are biologically,” she said.

Changes in the Brain

Regardless, experts are absolutely convinced that whatever the gender, learning a language improves overall brain functions.

Recent research has found that bilingualism changes the brain structurally and functionally for the better and helps stave off dementia.

“Like physical exercise, the more you use specific areas of your brain, the more it grows and gets stronger,” said Ping Li, a Penn State University professor of psychology, linguistics and information sciences and technology and an author of one of the studies.

Enlarging Our World

In the end, immersing ourselves in another language at whatever age expands not only our minds, but our lives.

“Learning a language is about learning a culture,” Frumkes said. “It can take you in so many directions: literature, travel, learning to understand the news of the day or just being able to be in contact with people in other cultures. Once you think about these things, they change the way you see the world.”


© Twin Cities Public Television - 2017. All rights reserved.



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Veteran Voices: An American Santa in France (Part 2)

By Richard "Dick" Cotton, resident at Casa de Manana Retirement Community

Sixty-nine years after Corporal Cotton served in World War II, his son, Guy, visited France, retracing his father's journey from the Cherbourg Peninsula to the small town of Dauendorf in Eastern France.

Before Guy left for Europe, he asked me if I had any memorabilia. I gave him a newspaper clipping from the Port Huron Michigan Times Herald titled “Medal Winner is ‘Santa Claus’: Toys From Port Huron Bring Joy To French Family.” Here is how I became known as Santa Claus in France. 
When Guy arrived in France, he hired a tour guide to show him, and his family, the places my battalion had backed up the infantry as we took the city of Cherbourg. The tour guide asked if Guy had any memorabilia from me.

Guy showed the tour guide, Geert Van Des Bogaert, my newspaper clipping from 1944 and it sparked an interest. The guide suggested sending the newspaper clipping to one of his friends, Jacelyne Papelard, who worked on stories related to WWII in the Alsace Lorraine area.

Joselyn requested I return to France in December 2014, 70 years later. I was invited to meet one of the children I had given a toy to all those years ago. The time and energy Joselyn put into setting up the whole trip, was nothing but phenomenal.

There were five memorable highlights:

The first, and most important, is the fact my two sons and three grandsons were able to join me on my journey. Traveling with them, made the trip much more special and meaningful.

Second, our visit to the Epinal American Cemetery and Memorial was very moving, as I remembered the 5,255 military dead buried at the cemetery, who lost their lives in campaigns across northeastern France to the Rhine and beyond into Germany. Remembering those fallen soldiers, I felt the desire to kneel and honor them.

Third, we were asked to attend a luncheon meeting at a hotel in Lutzelbourg. The luncheon was held in the hotel’s restaurant, which is considered one of the finest restaurants in all of the Alsace area! During the time the Nazi’s were in control, Hitler was known to dine there. We were greeted at the door by the owner Marc Carriger. He escorted my family and me inside, where we were welcomed by the Mayor of Lutzelbourg, council members, the military and the media! The media asked me and four members of my family to come outside and wave an American scarf that looked like a flag, while they took pictures!

Fourth, I was finally reunited with a lady who was one of the three children in the family that I had given the toys to all those years ago. Maria Martz had been four years old, and I was a 19-year old soldier the first time we met. Meeting Maria after 70 years, gave me satisfaction that everything I did as a soldier, was incredibly worth it, and at that moment, I believed my mission was completed, as "Santa Claus had returned to France.”

We were all swarmed by national and local media, who asked questions about our feelings of the reunion. The mayor of Dauendorf was also present! He had a great smile, so I told him I liked his smile and that he had my vote! He got a big kick out of this!

Later that evening, I was invited to address the City Council of Dauendorf! Once we arrived at the council building, it looked dark from the outside, but once we proceeded in and opened the door, there stood some members of a high school band. I was met with nothing but excitement. I walked up the steps, surrounded by a French high school band playing music. There were many people there; council members, celebrities, children and adults dressed in French costumes. I got to the podium and addressed the mayor of Dauendorf, council members, the military, the media, and the people of Dauendorf!

In my speech, I closed with the following words:

“In closing, Mr. Mayor, council members, people of Dauendorf and the Alsace area, I want you to know that I consider it an honor to be among you. I certainly admire the way you handled the German occupation, believing always that right would win out. My prayer is that God will bless each one of you and that our two countries will remain governments of the people, by the people, and for the people. From the bottom of my heart I say, ‘Vive le France.’”

Lastly, we returned to Paris and visited the Notre Dame Cathedral, the Arc de Triomphe, and the Eiffel Tower. We attended a mass at the Notre Dame Cathedral and I couldn’t help but feel incredibly blessed. I thanked God that I had the opportunity to have spent my time as a soldier; helping people that were a defeated nation, come back to life again.

These moments of time that I spent in France are memories that I will never forget as long as I live.

Read PART 1: A Hero's Journey.

Veteran Voices: A Hero's Journey (Part 1)

by Richard "Dick" Cotton, resident at Casa de Mañana Retirement Community


I enlisted a day after I graduated from high school. I chose the Army because I knew if I went in the Navy, I would get seasick. My vision wasn't good, so flying was not for me. I believed enlisting was the responsibility of anyone physically able to serve his or her country.

Joining the Army was an opportunity to get away from my hometown and see what the rest of the world was like. Thankfully, my parents were very supportive. When I was in combat, my dad sat down every night and wrote me a note. It was tough when the mail came, especially when we received the mail in combat. I received so much mail, but some of my buddies did not even get one letter.

I don't think I would call my time in the service "fun" but what I learned about life was really worthwhile. Throughout the rest of my life, I learned that I needed to handle someone's instruction and not try to fight it. Being a team player was more important, and you learn to accomplish more than being solo.
My first combat was on June 12, 1944, in the Cherbourg Peninsula in France. Our battalion had landed on Utah Beach with our artillery guns to help the infantry in its move forward to take the city of Cherbourg.

I reported to the field artillery forward observer officer and my job was to radio back information he gave me to the field artillery. This made it possible for the artillery to effectively aim their guns where the Germans were located. 

On Oct. 21st, 1944, I was awarded the Bronze Star medal for heroic achievement in action against the enemy and the Purple Heart for wounds suffered at the time. The citation reads … “with complete disregard for his own safety he traversed an open field under intense machine gun fire in order to rescue two soldiers lost from the main body of troops. Although he received a painful leg wound, he continued his mission and successfully guided the two lost soldiers to their proper areas. The courage and devotion duty displayed by Corporal Cotton reflects great credit on the armed forces of the United States.” 

The German machine gunner shot me in the calf of my right leg. The bullet entered and exited the fat part of the calf. The medics were able to patch up my leg and then I was able to go forward and rejoin the infantry company.
Sixty-nine years later, my youngest son, Guy, and his family, traveled to Europe for vacation. They were interested in the places I was involved in WWII, so they traveled to France - their first stop was the Cherbourg Peninsula.

Find out about how Corporal Cotton became known as "Santa Claus" in the French town of Dauendorf in Part 2 of this blog.

 


 

 

Dementia: A Learning Journey

A Son's Journey to Understand Dementia Continues After Father's Passing

By Rich Barger

I’m Rich Barger and this is a story about my dad. My dad was a resident of Villa Gardens  Retirement Community. He spent his final months at the Summer House memory care neighborhood at Villa Gardens. My dad passed away on January 17, 2016 from late stage Parkinson ’s disease, which is one of the common dementias.

My dad’s final chapter took almost three years to write. During those three years, I learned much about the behaviors associated with each stage of the disease that I knew would eventually take his life. I know now that managing his dementia was more than seeing his doctors and filling his prescriptions – it was about maintaining my dad’s dignity, managing expectations, and making certain that the last years, months, weeks, and days of his life were as fulfilling as they could be. Fortunately for me and my family dad used that time to his advantage.

My dad’s final chapter would have had a far different ending if it weren’t for the excellent care he received from what had quickly become his extended family at Villa Gardens. I am now paying forward that excellent care and find myself in a very different place than I believed I would be – learning about caregiving, supporting the members of the memory care community, finding ways to assist the staff, and educating myself.

Dementia is just now being understood. There are more than 80 different forms, and the chemistry that causes dementia is a new science for most of the medical community. What I found was that caregiving takes on a new meaning when it involves taking care of a loved one that has been diagnosed with an affliction that will eventually take his or her life. My behavior would certainly have been different during my dad’s final chapter if I had the knowledge and understanding that I have now.

I’ll share more as I learn more. I’m hopeful that many of you will take that learning journey with me and support our Summer House memory care community.

The 5 Exercises You Should Do Every Day

Credit: Thinkstock

Improve your range of motion and balance in less than 10 minutes

By Rashelle Brown for Next Avenue

Balance and mobility training can benefit us at any age, but it becomes more important as you reach and pass the age of 50.

Maintaining joint range of motion allows you to move naturally and helps to combat the postural problems that cause neck, back, shoulder and hip pain.

Far from only preventing stumbles and falls, balance training is extremely important for everyone because it makes us better at every physical thing we do. Having a keen sense of proprioception (the sense of where your body is in space) makes all movement more efficient. When combined with fluid joints that allow for a full range of motion, this puts you at your functional best.

Here’s a short sequence of five exercises you can do every day to improve and maintain your balance and mobility. Done in a slow, controlled fashion, you can finish the whole workout in under 10 minutes:


Balance Stands

With balance training, the goal is not only to improve proprioception, but also to improve your body’s reaction mechanics so you can quickly move to re-establish center of mass and recover to a normal body posture.

As I tell my clients, balance training is most effective when you are almost falling, so it’s important to challenge yourself every time you do this exercise. Once you’ve mastered a simpler version of the Balance Stand, move on to a more complex version.

At its most basic level, this exercise simply requires you to stand on one foot for 30 seconds. For some, this will be easy the first time, while others may need to stand close to a wall or in a door jamb to put out their hand to re-establish balance every few seconds.

Once you can balance on each foot on a stable surface for 30 seconds, it’s time to make it harder. Try looking up at the ceiling while you balance. Once you’ve mastered that, move to a less stable surface, such as a thick rug, a bath towel folded in quarters, a foam balance pad, an inflatable balance pod or a rigid wobble board.


Windmills

This exercise works wonders for the hips and spine. The movement should be slow and small at first, progressing to a slightly deeper twist and bend with each successive repetition. Start by standing with your feet in a wide-legged stance and extend your arms straight out to the sides, in a rendition of da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man.Take in a deep breath and engage your core muscles. Exhale as you slowly hinge forward at the hips and slightly twist, bringing your right hand down and across your body toward your left knee. Rather than moving at the shoulder joint, aim to make all of the motion happen in your hips and trunk.

Also, be sure you are bending forward at the hips and not from the lower back. You may not come anywhere close to touching your knee, and that’s fine. Listen to your body and stop when you feel any tension in the backs of your legs, your hips or your back.

Return to the starting position and repeat on the left side. Do a total of 20 slow repetitions, 10 on each side, alternating as you go.


Jumping Jack Arms

This exercise loosens up the shoulders, stretches the spine and works out all those kinks we get from sitting with less than optimal posture. Stand with your feet in a wide-legged stance, arms down by your sides. Engage your core, making your spine long, and slowly raise your arms out to the sides and as far overhead as you can, in what is essentially the arms-only movement of a jumping jack.

Don’t let your arms travel out in front of your body — imagine your body stuck between two large panes of glass, not allowing your arms to move outside of that space. If you can’t reach all the way up overhead by staying inside the imaginary panes, just stop where your lateral motion ends and return to the start position. Do 30 repetitions.

Pendulum Swings

This exercise loosens up the entire hip socket and stretches nearly all of the leg muscles. Stand in an open doorway with about five feet of clear space on either side of the door. Hold the door jamb with your right hand and face forward, as though you are walking through the door. Lean onto your left foot, engage your core and slowly start swinging your right foot forward and behind you several inches.

As you begin to loosen up, make the swinging more exaggerated, but still keep the movement relatively slow and controlled. Do 20 to 30 swings with the right leg, then switch sides.

After finishing the forward/backward swings with both legs, turn sideways so you are facing the door jamb. Hold the jamb with both hands for stability and step back so you’re holding the jamb with fairly straight arms. Lean onto your left foot and slowly swing your right leg from side to side in front of the left leg, mimicking the motion of the pendulum in a clock.

Be sure to start with very small movements and increase the range only when the motion feels free and easy. Try not to swivel at the hips by rotating your spine, but keep the movement isolated within each hip socket. Do 20 to 30 swings with the right leg, then repeat on the left side.


Lunge Walk to High-Knees

This complex exercise combines balance with mobility, giving your legs and core a real workout! You’ll need a clear walkway, such as a long hallway or open space outside.

Starting with your hands on your hips, take a long, lunging step forward with your right foot. Keep your left knee straight, so you feel a mild stretch at the front of your left hip as you stride forward. Transfer your body weight onto your right foot and prepare for a balance challenge as you bring your left foot forward and drive your knee up high into the air, as though you are stepping up and over a small obstacle.

Continue the motion of your left leg forward and go right into a lunge, this time keeping your right leg straight behind you. Transfer your body weight onto your left leg and bring the right leg forward and up into a high-knee step.

Continue in this fashion until you have done a total of 30 or 40 steps — about 15 to 20 with each leg, alternating as you go. If your balance isn’t up to the challenge of this exercise yet, try doing it in a hallway with one hand on the wall to steady yourself as you go.

 © Twin Cities Public Television - 2017. All rights reserved.

 

The Way It Is

The Bird's Eye View From Ninety

By Jeanne Warnke, resident at Wesley Palms Retirement Community

Since my sky diving adventure, friends and kin have praised me for being courageous. I don't see it that way. Yes, I am of a "certain age" as they say, but every resident at Wesley Palms knows about being "courageous" in so many ways. We all have reached a stage in life where we experience things that require a great deal of strength — struggle daily through pain of body and pain of losses. It takes effort. It takes courage. If you are a senior, you know what I mean. We all are here at a lovely retirement community for some reason or other. Yes, we miss our old life, and our new one requires much of us, which includes situations we never dreamed we'd have, and it isn't always easy. To those much younger who ask about the right life-style to survive to old age, I admit I don't exercise as I should; I love junk food, and don't care if the early bird gets the worm. I give in to pain sometimes and upset family and bore others by giving "blow by blow" accounts of it all!

There is no true answer to the question; everyone has their own way of dealing with the Golden Years even when they are a bit tarnished. Sometimes I find it annoyingly necessary to reach for my cane on what I refer to as "my bad day," but it is needed for balance. I hope for wisdom of my years, and the courage to face whatever life now presents. Whether good or bad, this is the "now" and better if we can call it just another adventure in living. Funny, but high places always scared me. Perhaps, subconsciously, I took a sky jump to prove something to myself and it did give me a good feeling to conquer that fear. I rejuvenated myself. I'm pleased that I just dumped wise advice and gave in to the urge to see beauty from a bird's eye view. It is similar to the urge that recently had me buying paints to learn about putting happy, bright colors on a canvas. I wish I could ride a horse again—my mother and sister did in their eighties—but I couldn't get a leg up no matter how much I feel that urge. There are things I realize I can't do, and fears I haven't conquered like jumping into the deep end of a swimming pool.

The most important thing is to keep trying to squeeze every bit of joy out of life. So...any one ready to start a Wesley Palms Sky Diving Club?